Sorry for the silence. There’s actually been a lot going on since the last somewhat morose message.

Lots of planning on my part, trying to find a strategy to attack 2010 and turn things around. Not sure what I’ll be sharing here, a lot of personal stuff in there obviously.

Struggling

Well this is going to be a tough one to write without breaking my self-imposed rule about being morose on the blog. I shall give it a try and see where it takes me. I know there are those who won’t like me going on about this so do me a favour and just don’t read it.

There’s nothing substantially wrong, first off. That’s part of the thing…externalising what’s bugging me sounds so trivial to other people or just like I’m whining which in turn has a negative effect. So what I’ve probably been doing for 6 months or more is talking to no-one about anything and internally just counting down the days. I don’t mean that suicidally, I mean I am just plugging through life taking little joy out of most of it.

Work is very busy. More than very busy, I could work 12 hr days 6 days a week and still not get done everything that needs to be done. I’m a hard worker and I am pretty good at what I do, I remain firmly convinced that what is asked of me in my role is more than any single human could effectively deliver. For obvious reasons I’m not going to go into the specifics here but a lot of it is stuff that is challenging, the sort of things that as a manager you deal with only a few times in a whole career and I happen to have a whole bunch of it happening at once.

Home is home. Again it’s generally good but there’s things which aren’t, some major and some minor…but the sum total being that it’s not exactly what I want and I can’t see the path from where I am to where I need to be.

Friends…well let’s not even go there.

I’m trying to put a brave face on it as they say…and I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, in that I’m not actually allowing myself time to think about any of this stuff.so I’m not sat in my room being emo and listening to sad music. But I would say my life is worse than it was 3 yrs ago…in fact Lucas is a bloody godsend. If like was as it is today but without the happiness he brings then I really wouldn’t be coping with life full-stop. And in my heart of hearts I don’t think that’s how life should be. I think as the years go by you should achieve more and more and be happy to look back at the good and bad and forward to all the good you know is coming.

2009 hasn’t had the lows of 2006/7 but it’s not had the good stuff either.

I’m not 2 months from 2010 now, which somehow feels significant and somehow I need to turn this around. If I don’t think I will either live out the rest of my life in this sub-par state or I’ll do something radical and ultimately fruitless.

So what’s the plan? I don’t know…watch this space.